If I knew my mom was going to pass away this is what I would tell my 23-year-old self. It has not been too long, but I have gone through many life experiences since then. This helps me cope and hopefully it will help you or someone you know. :)
Dear Tweety Bird (a nickname my mom had for me),
You still have a relationship with your mom, but now it’s just going to shift a little. I know you don’t like change, but change will help you grow and allow you to be open to all the beautiful opportunities ahead of you. She will always love you. When you see a butterfly, think of her. When you hear a beautiful song, imagine when she sang to you. When you hear a friend complain about their parents remember how great of a relationship you had. When you hear a song – remember to dance. She was so young, so beautiful, and so passionate. She was a woman everyone wanted to be. She wants you to love yourself.
You are going to dream about your mom. She is going to come into your dreams and make a wedding dress that she will (in spirit) see you wear. She is going to come into your dreams, kiss you on the cheek, and laugh at your problems – because to her they are so small. She is going to give you the closest, and most special hug you will ever feel in your life. In one dream you have about her, she will come to you and say that when you are happy, she is happy. But when you are sad, she will disintegrate and not be able to come back and visit you. Your happy and positive vibes keep her spirit happy.
There will be times when you want to scream at the world and whoever you believe in. You will sit on your couch, cry your eyes out, and go to the bathroom and look at your tears going through your eyelashes in your reflection. You will cry so much that there can be no more possible tears to shed. With every tear you shed, you let her go just a little more. She wants you to let go and live a beautiful and happy life – thinking of her always. Living this beautiful life can help her live through you. Every time you look in the mirror you will see her in those almond eyes and those red lips you have. When you see your hairline you will be reminded of the grey hairs you will get one day. Your mom wants you to have these grey hairs, for they symbolize wisdom.
You always had your mom’s strength within you. Remember that you are your own person and your mom has helped shape who you are. You are a reflection of her. You will see signs of her wherever you go – just remember to keep your eyes open for them.
There will be times when you feel angry and guilty. Sometimes you will try to go back to a memory and change it because you will just want one last minute with her. If only I went to her dance class with her…if only I asked her to teach me cook her famous omlette one last time…. If only I told her I’m sorry for waking her up in the middle of the night the night before she passed away. You will remember the routines you used to have with her. The normal, every day fights and the yelling is just something normal in your relationship. The push and pull of being sisters is what made your relationship so great. This shows you care for one another.
You will still be beautiful inside and out just like she said to you a few weeks before. One day you will not fear death just like she said she was not afraid two days before. You will light a candle in many churches, travel to different countries, and meditate because you know how to take care of yourself. You are going to continue school and graduate one day. She will be watching and smiling her proud and gorgeous smile. You will learn to become more independent and deal with life firsthand. You will learn the hard way at times, but because you do - life will be a tad bit easier to deal with. The big problems will not bother you anymore, and sometimes neither will the little things. You will learn to appreciate the beauty that surrounds you and the things you have been forced to learn.
The love she filled you up with throughout your life will help you love yourself and others. Her dreams for you will come true and all you have to do is stay true to yourself. Remember the lessons she taught you and be aware of those who do not have your best intentions. You don’t have to figure out your entire future right now. Just be in the moment. Enjoy your life. Enjoy the people you are with. Appreciate the little things – the butterflies and the dreams no matter how big or small they may seem.
